


Kokoro Tsurumaki Kills God

by DivineNoodles



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Biblical References, Crack, Death, Deicide, Gen, Mental Anguish, Misaki says a few swears, Reality Bending, Utilitarianism, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 21:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18599743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineNoodles/pseuds/DivineNoodles
Summary: When you have enough money, anything is possible.





	Kokoro Tsurumaki Kills God

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mamano](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamano/gifts).



> I apologize for everything and for nothing.

It all began when, situated at the Tsurumaki manor, planning out their weekly activities as usual, Kokoro made a humble suggestion to the rest of Hello, Happy World!:

“Hey! Why don’t we meet God?”

It was stated so casually and innocuously that Misaki and Kanon both thought they misheard it. “Pardon me?” asked Misaki.

“I said we should go meet God!” Kokoro repeated.

Misaki had thought she would be used to Kokoro’s nutty ideas by this point, but this… this was a new one. She couldn’t even process the notion, instead staring dumbfoundedly into the middle distance. Kanon let out a long and high-pitched “Whaaaaaa?”

“Ah, a most brilliant idea,” said Kaoru, smiling daringly. “To become acquainted with the almighty… what a fleeting prospect.”

“It sounds like fun!” Hagumi chimed in. “Oh, I should bring some croquettes along. He’d probably enjoy them.”

Misaki’s brain finally comprehended what she’d heard. “ _Hold on a minute_ , everyone… let me get something straight.”

The other four members of the band looked at her with attentive eyes.

“You want… to meet _God_.”

Kokoro nodded. “Yup!”

“Like… capital-G God? A polytheistic god? Some other sort of deity?”

Kokoro craned her neck. “…Just God!”

“That doesn’t explain anything!”

“Come on, Mii-kun,” said Hagumi. “Wouldn’t you want to meet the creator of the universe?”

“That is definitely _not_ the issue at hand here,” Misaki replied. “I mean – it’s just – well, I can’t-“ Her mind was unable to fully configure the sheer breadth of questions she had storming around in her brain.

“U-Um,” murmured Kanon, “Are we even sure that God exists…?”

“Ah, a question posed since the dawn of man…” Kaoru mused. “Does a being of divine providence and stately omniscience exist in the high heavens, guiding our fates towards a greater humanity? Or are we but mortal beings who have conjured up a false deity within our minds, yearning for greater meaning in a world of cruel nihilism? Or perhaps it is like the bard says: ‘As flies to wanton boys, are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.’”

“Wh-What does that mean?” asked Kanon.

Kaoru smirked. “It is… but that.”

“Save the philosophy for later,” Misaki exhaled, getting a grip on her consciousness. “Why do we want to meet God, exactly?”

“Well, God can do anything, right?” asked Kokoro. “So I was thinking, hey, maybe He can help us make the world smile! It’d go way quicker than just playing music in a band.”

“I hate how that rationale almost makes sense…” Misaki moaned. “OK. Let’s assume – for the sake of this insanity – that a ‘God’ _does_ exist. How are we going to meet Him?”

“Easy!” said Kokoro. “We just have to go find Heaven.”

“Ah. Yes. _Very_ easy,” said Misaki. “And where do you plan to look? The clouds?”

“Oooh, good idea, Mii-kun!” Hagumi exclaimed. “That’s a perfect place to start!”

“I’ll tell the suits right now!” shouted Kokoro, dialing numbers on her phone.

“Good grief,” Misaki sighed, her agreeable smile twitching involuntarily. “I’ve gotten us into a mess again…”

“Don’t worry too much, Misaki-chan,” said Kanon. “This is just another one of Kokoro-chan’s whims. I’m sure she’ll forget about it and move on in a couple days.”

“God, I hope so.” Misaki chuckled at the unintentional entendre. “Besides, it’s not like this plan will go anywhere.”

“Y-Yeah,” said Kanon. “I’m sure once they realize that won’t work, Kokoro-chan and the others will find something else to do.”

***

Two weeks later, the members of Hello, Happy World! stared at a kilometer-high platinum-plated elevator that stretched quite literally into the heavens.

“Wooow! It’s so shiny!” exclaimed Kokoro and Hagumi, marveling at the sterling tower of God that lay brazen and blasphemous before them.

Misaki and Kanon stood there, mouths agape. They had to touch the cold and sleek metal for themselves to confirm that it was real. “M-Misaki-chan…” Kanon began.

“Don’t say anything,” Misaki barked. “This just… goes up into space, right? A space elevator. It’s like a sci-fi thing. I read it in a book once… haha, yeah that’s it…”

“Pl-Please don’t crack under the pressure, Misaki-chan…!”

“Hmph,” Kaoru chortled. “What a luxurious apparatus… our trip to Heaven will be a fleeting one.”

“Let’s go, let’s go!” shouted Hagmui, already inside the marble-floored and glass-walled elevator. Kokoro cartwheeled inside, bounding off of the walls of the 90 sq ft interior of the rounded lift. Misaki and Kanon could only stumble inside, as if in a dreamlike stupor.

 The elevator car shuddered softly before gracefully lifting off the car and into the air. The three dummies oohed and ahhed as the sights of the town passed by in a blur before becoming tiny below their feet. Misaki was having a hard time looking outside. “This isn’t happening, right…”

“H-How did this elevator get built so quickly?” asked Kanon quietly.

“I guess when you have enough money, anything is possible…” Misaki muttered. “Though it’s not like we’re gonna _actually_ see God, right? Haha…” A hint of hysteria throbbed in her laughter.

Kanon patted her on the shoulder reassuringly. “W-We’ll be fine. We’ll go up, see whatever’s up there, and then, uh…”

“Die of oxygen deprivation?”

Kanon let out her trademark high-pitched sigh.

The two of them felt their heartrates pick up as the elevator rose higher and higher above the earth, ascending into the blue firmament above. Just as the curvature of the horizon became clearly visible in the distance, they noticed a ceiling of clouds directly above them, blotting out the sun for mere seconds before the elevator car plunged deeply into it. Minutes passed with nothing seen but splotchy gray outside, until – gradually – the lift slowed, shivered, screeched, and came to a complete stop.

A robotic voice came on over the intercom:

“ _You have arrived at: Heaven._ ”

The walls of the elevator hissed open, revealing gilt gates gliding atop a sea of clouds, dazzling light flooding in from behind and lighting the sky gold.

“Wow, Kokoron!” shouted Hagumi, with the same excitement as a first-grader on a field trip to the petting zoo. “We’re in Heaven!”

“We are!” Kokoro yelled back, somersaulting onto the fluffy ground outside. Apparently the terrain was elastic, because she bounced about like she was in a gymnasium.

Kanon gingerly poked the cloud floor with her finger. It had the consistency of toasted marshmallow and the texture of velveteen fur. “M-Misaki-chan…”

“This is just a dream, right?” asked Misaki, soaked with sweat. “That’s the most normal explanation for this. Nothing else makes sense…”

Kaoru, shaky legged from the heights, attempted to put on a brave face. “H-Ha. My dear Misaki… y-you would imagine something so wondrous to be phantasmagoric? Nay – the only reverie is the d-depths of your eyes…”

Somehow, the false bravado slackened their nerves. “L-Let’s just get this over with,” said Misaki. “I like it when my dreams are more grounded.”

The five strolled and stumbled their ways up to the heavenly gates, perfectly symmetrical and impossibly detailed. Just as they were wondering how the gates would open, a voice spoke inside their heads:

“WELCOME, MY CHILDREN.”

Bursting from the sky before them was none other than God Himself, Lord of Lords, the Almighty of a Non-Specific Religious Denomination (Though By All Accounts Within This Fic He Clearly Takes An Abrahamic Inspiration Which Doesn’t Make Much Sense When You Think About It Considering They’re Japanese). His divine visage was blinding in its radiance, forcing Kanon and Misaki to reflexively cover their eyes. Kokoro, Kaoru, and Hagumi just stared directly into the sun.

Of course, the form of The Omnipotent is as malleable and multitudinous as those who believe in Him, or indeed any religious being. Thus, to each of the members of Hello, Happy World!, he took on a different appearance, one that symbolized what they believed the great, powerful, and terrible divine essence to be:

To Misaki, God appeared as a chaotic void, writhing and formless, yet in the vague figure of a bear.

To Kanon, God appeared as a jellyfish of countless colors, tentacles wobbling about in the wind with a soft “fueeeeeee.”

To Hagumi, God appeared as a giant softball with a pair of googly eyes and pipe-cleaners for ears.

To Kaoru, God appeared as the exact shape, voice, and form of Chisato Shirasagi, only with Shakespeare’s haircut and moustache.

To Kokoro, God was a yellow orb made of smiley faces, looking not unlike the baby sun from Teletubbies, her favorite television program.

“WHY HAST THOU ASCENDED TO HEAVEN ON THIS FINE DAY?” God asked.

Only Kokoro had the combination of gumption and lack of dumbfounded-ness needed to speak at that moment. “Hi, God!”

“HELLO, KOKORO TSURUMAKI. I MUST SAY I AM SURPRISED THAT YOU ACTUALLY MANAGED TO REACH THIS PLACE.”

“Anything’s possible, so long as you believe hard enough!”

Misaki didn’t know if she agreed with that. “Um… Mr. God? Mrs. God? Whatever you are?”

“YES, MISAKI OKUSAWA?”

The overwhelming aura made her forget whatever it was she had to say.

“Hey, hey, God!” Hagumi called out. “Is it true that you can do anything?”

“YES. I AM GOD.”

“Wow, cool! So can you like, make the world smile?”

“Yeah!” Kokoro chimed in. “Make the world smile!”

“I SEE. YOU WISH TO GRANT HAPPINESS TO ALL THE WORLD, IS THAT CORRECT?”

Everybody but Misaki (still awestruck) nodded vigorously.

“I SEE. HOWEVER, I CANNOT DO THAT.”

The members of HHW looked on in shock. “Why not?” asked Kanon.

“MY CHILDREN, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. HAPPINESS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN SIMPLY BE GIVEN TO PEOPLE. IT DOES NOT COME EASILY LIKE THAT. RATHER, IT MUST BE EARNED THROUGH THE STRUGGLE AGAINST SUFFERING – FOR THERE IS NO MEANING TO LIFE WITHOUT SUFFERING. PERHAPS YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND, BUT IT IS SO.”

“Ah, I see,” said Kaoru, completely nonunderstanding of the point.

“…Excuse us for a moment,” said Misaki, motioning to the remainder of the group to huddle away from God. Their collective faces were rather sullen.

“What do we do now?” asked Kanon. “That didn’t work…”

“We should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy,” said Misaki. “To be honest, the fact that we’re having a conversation with God is incredible enough on its own. We should be counting our blessings and getting out of here.”

“Wait, Misaki!” whisper-shouted Kokoro. “We have to convince Him to change his mind!”

“Well, he _does_ have a pretty pretentious reason for not helping us…”

“Oh, oh!” Hagumi piped up. “I know how we can do it!”

“How’s that?”

Hagumi began rummaging around her pockets. “My older brother gave me something a while back… he said it would ‘change the minds of anybody being mean.’ Sounds like it would useful here!”

_What is she talking about?_ Misaki thought. _The awkward phrasing makes it sound like a can of mace or something…_

“Ah, here we are!” From her cargo shorts, Hagumi pulled out a fully loaded Glock 19.

“ ** _Hold on just one goddamn minute_** ,” said Misaki. “ ** _Where in the seven hells did you get that?_** ”

Hagumi blinked. “From my brother! I just told you.”

“ ** _That is very much not what I meant!_** ”

“Let me see!” shouted Kokoro, plucking the pistol from Hagumi’s hands. “Wait, how does this work?”

“ ** _Put that down right this second, Kokoro!_** ”

Kokoro, as unlistening to Misaki as ever, waved over to God. “Heeey! Mr. God!”

“WHAT IS IT?”

**BANG**

A gunshot rang out as a bullet pierced the body of the Almighty. With a hideous shudder and a world-splitting scream, the amorphous deity toppled to the heavenly floor, motionless. The members of Hello, Happy World! stared on in stunned silence. Finally, Kaoru walked over and felt for the immortal’s pulse.

“Dear God… He’s dead!”

Multiforme blood oozed from the chest of God, slain by the stray bullet of a wealthy blonde Japanese heiress. Misaki crumpled to her knees, her fingers clenched in clawed arcs of maddened incomprehension. “ ** _What the hell did you just do?_** ”

“Whoops!” giggled Kokoro. “I hope he’s okay!”

“ ** _He’s dead, Kokoro! God is dead, and you killed him! You! With a fucking Glock 19! How can a run of the mill pistol kill the omnipotent, anyway?!_** ”

“Perhaps it was not Kokoro that slew Him,” suggested Kaoru, “but rather… man.”

“ ** _What the absolute shit does that mean?!_** ”

“Pl-please c-calm down, Misaki-chan…” squeaked Kanon, trying to comfort her.

“ ** _I can’t! We killed GOD! We took an elevator to heaven and shot God! How am I supposed to be calm after that?!_** ”

“Oh, come on, Mii-kun,” said Hagumi. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

It was at this very moment that, without the presence of the Creator, the fabric of the universe was torn in twain. Up became down. Wet became dry. Moca Aoba detested bread. Sayo Hikawa gave her twin sister a hug and some ice cream. Roselia was no longer extra. The clouds surrounding Hello, Happy World! rumbled and began to darken. Reality as it was known began to collapse. A voice from nowhere sounded in their collective heads.

_ERROR – GOD NOT DETECTED. UNIVERSE ENDING IN FOUR MINUTES AND TWENTY SECONDS…_

Misaki screamed with the utmost capability of her soul. Kanon shrunk into a ball of pure anxiety. The fog of chaos was disorienting enough to bring Hagumi tumbling onto her butt. Now reminded of her position far above the earth’s crust, Kaoru’s knees buckled out beneath her. Only Kokoro stood, undaunted and indefatigable, reaching out towards God’s now limp body with her childlike arms…

She touched the corpse of the divine, and light burst forth.

Suddenly, the world’s gyration slowed, and the cosmos seemed to right themselves. The colors were once again properly distinguishable from one another. The planets returned to their proper orbit. Eve Wakamiya regained her weeaboo spirit. Ran Mitake dug up the notebook of emo poetry she had hastily thrown in the trash. Tae Hanazono remained unaffected as before, too distracted by her rabbits to notice the reality shifts. The disparate members of Hello, Happy World! felt the dimensions consolidate into a manageable form, and slowly picked themselves up, staring at Kokoro. She was quite literally glowing. Not in a metaphorical or abstract way – her skin was like a giant floodlamp.

“Wooooooah! I think I feel everything!” she exclaimed.

“Wh-What happened?” asked Kanon, her entire body wobbling.

As if in response, the directionless voice returned

_NEW ADMINISTRATIVE GOD REGISTERED. KOKORO TSURUMAKI. YOU NOW HAVE ACCESS TO ALL CREATION._

“Neat!” replied the new deity, cartwheeling in celebration. In tandem, the entire sky tumbled over itself.

“Wow! Kokoron is God now!” Hagumi cried, a smile plastered from ear to ear.

“Ah, what a fleeting occasion,” Kaoru commented.

In that moment, Misaki felt a greater fear than she ever had in her entire life. She wanted to scream again, but her vocal chords weren’t working.

Kokoro pointed to the horizon. Lightning crackled and struck in the exact direction she pointed. “Ga-zap!”

“K-K-K-Kokoro,” Misaki finally stammered out, “t-take things _s-slow_ , okay?”

Kokoro jumped. As she hung suspended for a solid five seconds, gravity became disabled, sending the HHW members rolling over themselves in midair. “Heehee! I can do anything!”

“K-Kokoro-chan,” said Kanon cautiously. “Y-you should have, er, some r-responsibility over this.”

“Oh, I know!” said Kokoro, not listening as usual. “Now I can make the whole world smile! But how…?”

“Give everybody a puppy!” suggested Hagumi.

“What about people who are allergic to dogs?” asked Misaki.

“Good point. Maybe a cat?”

“…You all really never listen to me, do you?”

Kokoro tilted her head in thought. “Well, I’ll have to think about it.”

“Hey, hey, Kokoron!” asked Hagumi. “Can I hug you? You look really soft and warm!”

“Sure, Hagumi!” Kokoro pulled in her friend for a big bear hug, which had the glaring intensity of a supernova. Suddenly, the lights of the world flickered on and off, and a tingling sensation passed on to Hagumi.

_NEW ADMINISTRATIVE GOD REGISTERED. HAGUMI KITAZAWA. YOU NOW HAVE ACCESS TO ALL CREATION._

“Hey hey! I’m God now, too!” Hagumi shouted, running around in circles at the revelation. As she did so, time sped up to a pace where two seconds became thirty, until she slowed back down to a reasonable pace. Misaki’s heart attack doubled in intensity.

“Perhaps Godhood can be shared with others?” asked Kaoru, going down on one hand. “Milady, my fair princess… please lend me your grace and majesty.”

Kokoro shook Kaoru’s outstretched hand, and once more were they bathed in effulgent light. _NEW ADMINISTRATIVE GOD REGISTERED. KAORU SETA. YOU NOW HAVE ACCESS TO ALL CREATION._

“Ah… the world is…! How can I put it? Fleeting…”

Misaki’s mind had now completely shattered. She attempted to bash her head against the floor of Heaven, but it was like sinking all her weight into a pillow. She started to cry in sheer agony.

Kanon rushed over and helped her to her feet, giving her a great big hug of her own. “Misaki-chan, I kn-know you’re concerned…”

Misaki screamed again.

“B-But can’t we take the powers of God ourselves, too? Then we can help manage what the others are doing.”

Misaki’s labored, frenzied breaths became a little less weary. “Is… Is that a good idea?”

“Well, I don’t think w-we have much choice.”

Misaki let out the most tired sigh in the history of man. “…Fine. Let’s do it.”

“Yaaay!” cried Kokoro, as the trio of idiots all came in for a massive group hug. The resulting flash was big enough to sear their retinas.

_NEW ADMINISTRATIVE GOD REGISTERED. KANON MATSUBARA. YOU NOW HAVE ACCESS TO ALL CREATION._

_NEW ADMINISTRATIVE GOD REGISTERED. MISAKI OKUSAWA. YOU NOW HAVE ACCESS TO ALL CREATION._

The teenage Japanese deities felt power crackle through their collective fingertips. It was at once all-encompassing and indescribable. The sheer awareness of everything would have been enough to drive any normal person to lunacy. But Kokoro, Kaoru, and Hagumi lacked the brain cells to process omniscience. And the daily struggles of Kanon and Misaki to deal with the aforementioned lack of brain cells was far more maddening than any new sapience could ever be. With trillion-watt glows, Kokoro pumped her fist into the air. “Happy!”

“Lucky!” Hagumi chanted.

“Smile!” Kaoru sang.

“H-Hooray!” Kanon yelped.

“Let’s make the world smile!” Kokoro called.

And lo, with each member of HHW possessing one-fifth of omnipotence, they each enacted their own vision of a happy world:

Kokoro, in one wave of her hand, printed enough money for everybody to live comfortably. This sudden influx of inflation crashed the world economy instantaneously. Upon realizing her error, she instead redistributed the existing wealth of the world’s wealthiest (including her own coffers) into the hands of the needy, as a single teardrop rolled down the face of Karl Marx’s corpse.

Kaoru did what she had been attempting to do her entire life with the snap of a finger, ending heterosexuality for all mankind in an instant. As the new era of unbridled gayness was celebrated from sea to shining sea, she also imparted untold amounts of wisdom upon the collective consciousness of humanity, inspiring a love for philosophy, art, and theater. In the process, however, she forgot to give herself the ability to read.

Hagumi, in spite of her athleticism, declared a universal end to conflict and competition, instead suggesting that fellow men raise each other up through camaraderie and good will instead of constantly trying to prove superiority. Violence and war were ended for good upon that day, as resources were plentiful enough for all people to not have to compete (especially since Kokoro had just ended capitalism). All martial weapons and items disappeared in a flash of light – save one particular Glock 19.

Kanon, ever the responsible and determined, tackled the environmental problems facing the world, emptying all landfills and chucking great garbage patches into the sun for safe disposal. She tidied up the greenhouse gas layer and cooled the Earth by the few percentages of a degree needed to avert massive climate change, and all the penguins were saved.

This left only Misaki, who could only watch the other four work miracle after miracle in rapid succession, rapt with the speed with which they solved all of mankind’s problems. She didn’t need to fix anything. They truly were making the world smile, all on their own. What was left for her to do?

Well… there was _one_ thing.

As the other band members stood overlooking the world, patting themselves for a job well done, Misaki approached, hands tucked firmly in her hoodie pockets. “Can’t believe I’m saying this, but… I guess killing God was for the best, huh?”

“Everything worked out!” Hagumi chirped. “See, Mii-kun? It wasn’t so bad!”

Kokoro nodded. “But… I just realized something.”

“What is it?”

She frowned. “Michelle isn’t here to see it!”

“Wow, you’re right! We should bring her here, right now!”

As she said it, the Michelle costume materialized before them, plopping on the ground with a thud. It, of course, hung limp and unmoving, as its primary wearer was standing right there.

“Mi-Michelle?” asked Kokoro. “Is something wrong?”

“…No,” said Misaki. “After all, it’s just a costume.”

“Wh-What are you saying, Mii-kun?” asked Hagumi. “Michelle is a bear.”

An influx of forceful energy swept in from behind Misaki. She spoke with the full exertion of her newfound godliness.

“ **No _. Because *I* AM MICHELLE._** ”

Her words carried enough power to make any sensible man prostrate himself in fear and reverence – so truthful that even if what she said was a falsity one would believe it with absolute conviction and certainty. Upon hearing it, the dummies looked confused. “You’re… Michelle?” asked Kokoro.

“ ** _YES. I. AM. MICHELLE. DJ BAD BEAR. DETECTIVE EMERITUS. QUEEN OF THE PIRATES. MISAKI IS MICHELLE, AND MICHELLE IS ME._** ”

The intensity of her words caused fire to fall from the sky and volcanoes to erupt from the sea. Ice became hot; fire became cold. Sight became sound and sound became nothing. Yet still there was denial. “Silly girl – Michelle is a bear,” said Kaoru.

“ ** _I AM MICHELLE._** ”

Reality bled into strips of confetti and nightmares.

“ ** _I A҉M ͏M̴I̛C̢HE͢LLE̸_** ”

Every baby in the world cried at once, their tears trickling into pools of unending terror.

“ ** _I̡̙͍͚̮̱̕͢ ̶̡̙͍A̯̼̪̭͖͍̻M̫̱̬͇̥ ̵͍͝M̢̗̯͍̬̺͝I҉̴͙͓̳͉̙͠C̪͖̜̲͢͟ͅH͈̹̣̥͉̠E҉̫͖̦ͅL̢̮͟Ḷ̷̻̲̳̣̜̠͍ͅE͔̮̻̩̖͓͕_** ”

Life questioned its own existence.

“ ** _I̷͒͐̾ͣͬͦ̆̏ͭͯ͌͒̽̐҉̡̰͎͓̳̟̱̝͕̤̣̕ͅ ̸̡͔͖̫̠̫̥͙̟ͪ̃̒̓͑̀̆̍̒ͭ̿̉ͨ̍̏̎̚͢͞ͅÂ̸̧̯̞̣̙̜̳͚̫̫̬̭̭̬̬̪̝̻̞̂ͭ͋̓ͩ̊ͭ̅̔͂͆͞Ṃ̵̢̭̲͇̲̖͓͕̞̏̈́̆̔̋ͤ̏̌ͧ̊̐̓̽ͣ̌͒̕ͅ ̮͍̜̙̬̘̪̩̥̐̉̒͂ͩ̌̇̐ͩ͞M̶̓͂͑̊ͮ̀͒ͨ̚҉͎̺̭̬̰̼̭ͅI̵̶̘̞̺̳͙̟͉̲̝̟̯̱̠̠ͭ̃̾̌̚͢͞C̸̡̛̥͚̹̖͍̣̘̣͓ͫ͑̎ͬ̊͠H̴̪̱͓̝̩̊̋̋̏ͧ͌́̄̂̍̎̊̎̀͡Ë̶̵͓̣̗̗̹͓̗͂ͯ̍̊ͭ͌̒̓ͭ̿͗̑̀̓̏͘ͅL̵̨̨̧̛̜͈̳̹ͤ̆̈̄ͨͯ̄ͯ̒͂̚Ľ̨̨͕̼̝̮͍̖̱̰̩͈̳̓͒̊ͮ̔̓̿̑͆̃̑̀̍̒̏E͚̣̤̠̍ͤ͋̃̽͑̉ͣͭ̓͒ͥ̂͛̓̃̒̍ͧ͡_** ”

Whether it was the world or Misaki that shrieked, none could say. But the friction of putting an undeniable fact into the negative brain spaces of three idiots caused all of reality to collapse in on itself.

***

Misaki jolted awake, her cheek wet from the puddle of drool that had accumulated on the table in front of her. She was in the meeting room at the Tsurumaki manor. The sun shining through the windows told her it was early evening. Across the table from her, Kanon stirred, her eyes unfocused and rapidly blinking.

“Oh, Kanon-san…” Misaki yawned, stretching her creaky limbs as far as she could. “I had the craziest dream.”

“M-Me too,” Kanon muttered, rubbing her sleepy eyes. “It was… uh…”

Before she could say anything, Kokoro barged in through the door. “Misaki! Kanon! Good afternoon!”

“Good afternoon, Kokoro,” said Misaki, still drowsy. “What’s got you so excited?”

“The most incredible thing happened! Come see, come see!”

Misaki and Kanon looked at each other with raised eyebrows and followed her to the next room. Kaoru and Hagumi were crowded around a laptop, excitedly scrolling through a search result. “Look, look!” shouted Kokoro, pointing at the screen.

“What is-“ Misaki stopped, looking at the screen. She gulped involuntarily.

On the web page was Michelle. That was, perhaps on its own, not too unusual. But these were no ordinary pictures of the pink bear – they were centuries old effigies, weathered statues, ancient relics that bore the visage of the mascot Misaki masqueraded as. And they were images found everywhere, from the heart of India to castles in Europe to cave paintings deep within Mesoamerica. The image of Michelle was worldwide and unspeakably old.

“H-Hagumi?” asked Misaki. “…Can you click on her Wiki page?”

Hagumi complied. What followed became seared into Misaki’s eyeballs:

> _ **Michelle** _

> _This article is about the primal god. For other uses, see Michelle (disambiguation)_

> _Michelle is a pink ursine creature that is widely accepted by the human race as the prime deity in charge of all existence. Michelle as a concept has dated back several millennia to the dawn of civilization, appearing in nearly every known human culture as a creation god. While interpretations of Michelle vary wildly by region and sect, it is generally believed that she is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omnibenevolent. Over 99% of humanity believes in the existence of Michelle in some form, with 69% claiming to have had visitations from the bear in person._

“Wow! Now Michelle is God!” shouted Kokoro. “Good for Her!”

“Alas, our powers were but fleeting…” lamented Kaoru. “But I know the world is safe and happy in Her hands.”

“We should celebrate!” said Hagumi. “What’s that religious thing you’re supposed to say again?”

“Um… pr-praise be?” suggested Kanon.

“Praise be!” cried Kokoro.

“Praise be to Michelle!” shouted Kaoru.

“Praise be!” yelled Hagumi.

As the chorus of reverence ascended around her, Misaki stared at the computer screen, unblinking, for several hours.

And then she wept.

For in but a single moment, she understood Michelle – and with Her, all that is beauty, all that is truth, and all that is suffering.

 

_Our Bad Bear who art in Heaven,_

_hallowed be thy band._

_Thy happy world come._

_Thy will be done,_

_on earth as it is in heaven._

_Give us this day our fleeting jams;_

_and forgive us our misconceptions,_

_as we forgive those who misconceive against us;_

_and lead us not into foolishness,_

_but deliver us from stupidity._

_Hey-Yo-Amen._


End file.
